


Nightmares x and x Defeat

by meganebi



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Implied Leopika Later on, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:06:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4371314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meganebi/pseuds/meganebi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Killua wished that he had never come to know the world's beauties. That he lived an ignorant life, with the treasures of the outside world forbidden to him. Maybe then he could have lived a satisfying life in ignorant bliss. Surely if he had never sought a life outside of killing, if he had never thought life could be any different, any better, he would've never known the pain of loving something too much. He would've never known the pain of returning to the dark, of leaving the light. Of leaving <em>his</em> light.</p><p>He would never have known the pain of leaving Gon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares x and x Defeat

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't find a fic that had exactly what I wanted, so I tried writing one myself. This is the first time I've written fanfic in a really long time, so constructive criticism is appreciated! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Sometimes Killua wished that he had never come to know the world's beauties. That he lived an ignorant life, with the treasures of the outside world forbidden to him. Maybe then he could have lived a satisfying life in ignorant bliss. Surely if he had never sought a life outside of killing, if he had never thought life could be any different, any better, he would've never known the pain of loving something too much. He would've never known the pain of returning to the dark, of leaving the light. Of leaving _his_ light.

He would never have known the pain of leaving Gon.

  


\------

  


It was a relatively normal night for Killua. The clouds hung in the sky, so dark and murky he could barely make out the moon's figure. Rain pounded on the window as Killua wrestled with the blankets on his bed, struggling to break free. He woke up with a start, covered in sweat.

"Another nightmare..." he trailed off, looking outside his window at the heavy sky. What time was it even?

3:00 AM was what his phone read. This was the third time this week he had been awakened by an unwelcomed nightmare. It was beginning to become too much to handle... These nightmares weren't of the same nature as the ones he was used to.

Suddenly, Killua heard a light knock on the door to his room.

"Killua? You ok in there?" Gon said, whispering in a voice that almost sounded insecure. His concern showed, although the door didn't budge one bit. There wasn't even a doubtful wriggle of the door knob; Gon's hand wasn't on the handle, ready to open the door once Killua allowed it. The younger boy took this as a sign that Gon did not intend on entering the room at all.

... Well, he couldn't blame him considering how he reacted to Gon entering his room the night before.

Images from Killua's nightmare flashed before him, images of Gon, images he didn't want to think of. For a moment, he almost wanted to open the door himself, embrace Gon and apologize for the previous night. But that was selfish. If he put Gon in such a position of course he would accept his apology. Killua didn't deserve the other boy's forgiveness.

"I'm fine," Killua said, sounding colder than he had meant to, "Go back to bed."

Gon hesitated a moment. After a few seconds however, he returned to his room without saying a word in reply to Killua, his footsteps growing quieter and quieter as he walked down the hall of their small apartment. Killua heard the door shut and a squeak from Gon's bed as he tucked himself back in.

Killua felt a swarm of emotions in the pit of his stomach. Some part of him wished Gon had entered his room despite his cold demeanor, that he had held him and reassured him that his nightmare was not true. That he could feel the warmth of his skin against his own and sleep peacefully for once. That he could hold Gon in his arms and reassure himself that he was real.

Another part of him was glad Gon left him alone. If Gon had entered the room it would only torment him; the nightmare would only be extended. Last night's nightmare was a perfect example of how bad that scenario turned out to be.

When Gon had come in to ask Killua if he was okay the previous night, Killua lashed out.

  


_"Why... Why do you even care?!" Killua yelled refusing to look up at his companion, a tortured look in his eyes, "Why do you even care about me?!?"_

_Gon looked at his friend, shocked. Ever since they were 12 he would always enter Killua's room when he had a nightmare, always holding him until he felt okay again. It was routine; sometimes they'd even fall asleep on his bed together. Killua had never lashed out at him on such an occasion, so he immediately sensed something was different, something was wrong._

_"Killua, you're my best friend," Gon started, taking the younger boy's hand in his own, "Of course I care about you..."_

_"That... That's not what I asked," Killua said, looking down, still refusing to meet his friend’s eyes. Tears streamed down his face, glistening in the moonlight that flooded through the window. He violently let go of Gon's hand, grasping the sheets instead, bunching the soft fabric in his hands until his knuckles turned white, "Why... I asked why..."_

_Gon clearly had no clue as to what caused his friend's erratic behavior, his face switching from a confused expression to a conflicted one. The boy's mouth opened, as if he was trying to say something, only to close moments later._

_That was enough of an answer for him._

_"Just... Go away," Killua gritted through his teeth, looking down at his hands._

_"Killua, I ---"_

_"Just go away!" He yelled, finally meeting Gon's eyes. Tears streamed down his face as he pushed the the other boy off his bed, letting him hit the floor hard._

_When Gon got up, his light brown eyes held an expression that was all too familiar to Killua these days: grief. He then left the room silently, closing the door behind him. Killua heard the front door of their apartment open and close with a slam._

_Gon wasn't home the next morning._

  


It was foolish of Killua to expect any other answer from him. He wanted to hear him say he cared for him because... Because he loved him. But that was too hopeful a thought. Of course Gon didn't feel that way. Gon was everything, while Killua? Killua was an ex-murderer. Gon deserved a good person to love, a light that shone just as bright as him himself; he deserved more than the black hole that was Killua's heart. He didn't need to satisfy Killua's selfish needs.

The voice of his nightmares was right; this was a battle Killua just couldn’t win.

Killua was interrupted from his thoughts by his phone's alarm, beeping annoyingly.

When he checked his phone he noticed over four hours had passed since he initially woke from his nightmare. 7:30 was what the clock read, the numbers taunting him. Yet another sleepless night with these new nightmares haunting him even after he awoke.  
Killua sat upright in his bed and paused. When would he finally be able to sleep again?

Hoping to slip past Gon before he woke up, the younger boy went to the kitchen to get something quick to eat before retreating again. He wasn't sure how ready he was to face the his friend.

However, when Killua walked into the kitchen, he noticed a figure sitting at the table. Gon to be precise. Unlike the previous day, Gon was home when Killua got out of bed.

His heart stopped for a moment. He paused, standing still underneath the large door frame that was the entrance to their kitchen. He had not expected Gon to be there... Could Gon have been concealing his presence? It was likely.

After all, Killua would not have left his room had he known Gon was already up.

Standing in silence, the younger boy decided not to draw attention to what had happened the previous night... How was he supposed to talk to Gon about the problem when the it had to do with him?

Normally when Killua had nightmares it was about his family, so he was able to talk to Gon about it with ease, but now... Now it wasn't just that anymore. 

"Don't fight a battle you can't win."

Killua shivered, thinking back to his dream. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to talk about it. In an effort to forget, he approached Gon as if nothing unusual had happened.

"Morning," Killua said as he stretched and opened the cabinet. If he was good at anything, it was lying. After all those years of working as an assassin, of constantly lying to his siblings, he'd picked up the skill quite well. Even so, it was incredibly hard to lie to Gon… It took everything Killua had.

No reply from Gon.

Could he tell he was hiding something?

"We're nearly out of milk. Didn't I remind you to get some earlier this week?" Killua casually mentioned as he opened and closed the fridge, the remainder of the milk in his hands. Hopefully Gon hadn’t noticed how badly his hands were shaking.

Still no reply.

Killua was starting to get nervous. He sat down at his usual table spot, acting normal, yet still refusing to look into the older boy’s eyes, scared that if he did he would see dark empty eyes instead…

He could feel Gon’s intense stare at him as he ate breakfast in silence.

Finally, Gon’s mouth opened.

“Killua,” he started, staring straight at him with a determined look on his face, “What’s wrong?”


End file.
